HOME SCHOOLIN'

I've spent another loooong, tiring, mind-bending day focused on home improvement...or is it, homo improvement? The jury is out on that one...

Things that meant nothing to me six months ago are now the cornerstone of my life. Words, concepts, design, related words that I didn't know or understand, not part of my lexicon or orbit, are suddenly real...sometimes, surreal...in my life today.  

What I didn't know and then could mumble, sort of phonetically..."soffit" (all I can think of is that Bette Davis play, "Miss Moffit"), backsplash (that sounds so festive and gay, why hadn't I heard THAT word before?), junction box ("Petticoat Junction," sure, but what's a Junction Box...is that slang for Billie Jo, Betty Joe or Bobbi Jo?), understanding the other meaning of the phrase, "that's prime real estate in this room" (that took me a few rounds before I got that one), why hardwood floors can be stained if they are oak but CAN'T be stained if they are maple; why homes in Chicago after about 1920 were no longer constructed with brick foundations...and the dreaded condition of brick moisture, which sounds like "effervescence" but ISN'T spelled the way a normal person would THINK it should be...and that's just Week One.  We haven't even gotten to the staircase or the second floor with the full bathroom.

Don't get me started on the difference of vinyl windows vs. wood windows and faux wood windows and two-light slider windows and schoolhouse-style windows and why it can be too "woody" to extend hardwood floors into the kitchen area.  I thought I knew about a "woody" as much as any gay man, but, I was wrong...and how do you keep a straight (...) face when someone is asking you to measure and says, "How long is it?"..."How many inches?"..."How far can it go?"..."Is it in deep or can you pull it out?"..."Is it stuck?"..."Do you need a screw down there?"...shall I go ON?

And there's the "single-hung" window vs. the much more popular and versatile "double-hung"...who wouldn't want double-hung any day?

Tomorrow, Handyman is taking me to Home Depot. We're going to buy, um, drywall and plaster. In the old days, I could see getting a dry martini and getting plastered, but now THIS. Honestly, I don't know myself lately...and I like it! Even if I fall into bed so tired I don't even get up to turn off the light down the hall. I went to bed wearing my checkered slippers (CB's fab Christmas present to me) and I was so exhausted I didn't bother to kick 'em off.  I just wore 'em until I got up the next morning.

Today I was bemoaning the sales reps who gave me horrendously (to me, anyway) over-inflated bids for an a/c update for the house and windows to replace the rotting ones, which haven't been replaced since the Magna Carta. The wall a/c in the living room is so old that it uses more electricity than a modern central a/c system would use to cool the entire house!  As I was talking about the window rep and the a/c salesman who came a' callin' today, straight, Polish good guy Handyman said with a grand gesture, "You talk about the window salesman, you talk about the air conditioning salesman...what about me?  What about MY feelings?" 

We broke up laughing and that was the running gag for the rest of the day.  I make coffee for us in the morning (with sugar and half-and-half for him, H&H only for me) and he brings me popcorn shrimp and he eats some other fresh, non-breaded fish and fish parts I won't go near.  Yesterday, for his lunch, he brought a big hunk of fish tail.  He asked me, innocently, "Would you like a piece of my tail?" He paused. "It's very fresh and it's very good for you."

Talk about a perfect straight man...!