FOOTE NOTES

It's Saturday morning at 8:45 as I write this. I'm sitting in the kitchen, looking out the bay window into the frosty, snow-tipped back yard. It started snowing again last night as MS and I made our way home from the third, and final, installment of The Goodman Theater's Horton Foote Festival. MS's strong ties with Chicago's theater community resulted in snaring tickets and great seats for one of the final preview performances of "The Trip to Bountiful." 

The production, in the larger of the two theaters within The Goodman, was first-rate, from the ingenious, spectacular sets and lighting (but still properly low-key and fitting with the tone of the play), to the top-drawer performances of the lead, Lois Smith (who not only plays the aging mother, but inhabits the role from within), a remarkably shaded turn by Hallie Foote (the daughter of the legendary playwright, Horton Foote), and that of every actor in the play, down to the non-speaking parts.  Each made an impression, each created interesting subtext. 

While I had minor quibbles with a few aspects of the play, overall, I enjoyed it tremendously. Mr. Foote has the great ability to flesh out all his characters and make them multi-faceted; no one is a cliche, painted too broadly or one-dimensional -- every one of them is human, flawed, sympathetic (in varying degrees) and all understandable in their actions and motives. 

At the start of the play, the audience sees a single window, framed in a stylized representation of a house...with the theme of the play about a mother wanting desperately to return to her home, the place where she was born...Hence, the title of the play, "The Trip to Bountiful."  

You can run but you can't hide dept...my yesterday was spent on kicking into the first phase of the house renovation...of the home that was my mom's until her passing.  "The Trip to Chicago"? I can't escape!...I was with the handyman all day yesterday until 6:15PM staring the first "official" day of renovation (after a month of prep, more or less)...after meeting with a rep for a window company wanting to sell me 21 windows at a cost that could probably build a hospital in Africa.  

I am doing this home rehab, and could ONLY do this, with the lead of the amazing, generous and supremely talented CB (and, did I mention, gor-gee-ous!) at my side (by phone and later in person) every step of the way.  And, thanks to our mutual, life-long friend, GW, I have a great all-around handyman who is taking a personal, protective interest in getting this neglected house back in shape...especially since this is my first time tackling home renovation. I've never owned more than a cat and a plant (and they're both dead, what does THAT tell you?), and to be suddenly gifted with an aging, two-story, nearly 100 year old house without advance notice AND it needing lots of work..yikes!  Like me, it needs professional help.

It's an enormous undertaking (no pun intended), because I take the responsibility of getting this house in good -- no, great shape -- because it represents 25 years of my mom's life, her life savings and emotional investment as well as my stepfather's lifetime of hard work. It's a great gift to have this bestowed upon me -- and a great responsibility, too. 

When Handyman was leaving here yesterday after an impromptu half-day of sweat-inducing work (pulling up old carpet, etc.) he said, "I'm a simple guy.  I do good work, I work hard, I provide for my wife and kids, I'm honest.  I do what I say I'll do, I show up and finish the job and I never have to turn away and avoid eye contact with someone if they see me on the street, because I tell the truth and do what I say.  Life is very simple if you don't complicate things."

Those words really hit me. I'm a great over-thinker. I can complicate anything and revel in it, often to my detriment.  I can create drama out of where to put a stamp on an envelope to dissecting conversations and relationships that have been over for eons.  Yet, because I'm smart (oftentimes too smart for my own good), I think being intelligent means I'm interesting and complex and multi-layered and all those nice phrases I favor (like "I'm a handful"as if that's necessarily a good thing)...

I got a new sponsor the other day (thanks, MO!) and I couldn't help myself but say that to him after we met for a delightful lunch to find out if we are a good fit as sponsor/sponsee.  He's a great guy, smart, funny, and I can't get anything over on him. Aw, crap...but that's really want, exactly...I don't want to get away with anything in terms of working a good, strong program...but that doesn't stop me from trying...or from giving him that faux warning, "I'm a handful" -- an ex bf of mine ruefully called me a "rich dessert" -- that sounds good, for a second, a variation on "you're a handful," but I don't want to be an event...something that you can only take for a few bites and push away...it's great to be something special -- but I want to be good to go for the day-to-day aspects of a relationships, too.  

In my last relationship -- my most adult, deeply felt romance to date -- I learned many things. One of the most important insights was discovering that the so-called "small moments" are perhaps the ones that are most remembered (when looking back) and can be the most vital, the most important in terms of strengthening the bond, deepening the love and strengthening the relationship from its foundation.  My ex and I did many "big" things together, such as concerts, co-hosting a dinner party to introduce ourselves to friends as a couple, birthday celebrations et al, but I look back on those days together and what really warms my heart and brings me the greatest sense of being loved are the intimate times (and I don't mean sexually)...cooking meals together, making a pie, cuddling and watching a DVD, carving a pumpkin (my first!) for Halloween.  Those are the things romance is made of...and that was a revelation.  It doesn't have to be CinemaScope-sized events...it is the quieter times, the "shorthand" a couple creates in communicating in a lower key when you're alone together and not afraid to be authentic.

MS and I were talking about this last night -- she's happily married for decades to a great guy and it's a perfect fit.  Where do you find THAT?? And they are both smart, funny, complex, attractive, accomplished people...but, maybe the key, they started out as friends.

CB and I were talking about a variation on the "where you find that?" theme a few nights back. We agreed, our society makes it much harder for a single, straight woman over 40.  Guys that age, it seems, more often than not, want a young chick because of the desire, no, perhaps more accurately, the conceit (whether they act upon it or not) to procreate.  And the allure of wanting a fresh, young thing...even if they are Grandpa Walton-esque.  

For a gay man over 40, or more...it's somewhat the same.  The competition is fierce, good men (straight or gay) seem to be in short supply, and the older 'ya get, it feels (true or not) it's the less likely you'll find someone...not just someone you "settle for" or you're pals and companions, or "sisters," but that one person who goes the distance AND gets you hot and you know feels the same way about you.  Is that gonna happen if you're over 40,. 45 or 50?  And, even if a woman looks great "for her age" or passes for a decade younger, attractive, stylin', has more energy and sense of adventure than a 20 year old (as is single CB on all counts and more) is that enough for a guy who's focused on finding a woman who can't be more than 32, preferably 28, to be acceptable candidate -- and, even if he's least 10, 20 (or more) years older? 

I think it's brutal for women out there, especially for bright, successful women who are perceived (and are) independent, financially and otherwise...and in its own way, it's much the same for a single gay man over 40...I've had four dates in the last month (the one with "Junior" I wrote about last week, and two really nice dates with a 29-year old who is attracted to "older men." I had a great time (on many levels) with "Cubby," but, that said, I don't want to be in the constant role of being "Daddy"-- whether it's something spoken or played out or not. I also had a very nice date with someone near my age, a doctor...alas, we didn't have romantic sparks, but I felt very comfortable with him in the sense that we were close to the same age, had accomplished different things in our lives but could relate to each other's experiences.  

I want a level playing field, with someone my age, who shares similar life experience of being around the same age...the same cultural references; I do remember the death of JFK and RFK and I can recall The Beatles on Ed Sullivan...even though my most vivid memory was watching Judy Garland sing "Ol' Man River" on her weekly TV series...an early gay alert, you think? :)

My mom and I never had the "gay" talk until I was 40 or so.  She didn't mention it, so I didn't mention it, or vice versa.  Since we didn't discuss it, I thought, well, she knows but doesn't want to deal with it...so I'll respect her silence and go along with it...and it took the easy way out, even though I didn't see it that way then.  FINALLY, at the REAL doorstep of 40, I tentatively asked my mom when she thought I might be...well, you know.

She smiled, gave me a look I shall never forget, and said, "Well, my first inkling was when you were about 12.  I came home from work early one day and you were dancing around the house lip-syncing to Judy Garland singing 'Never Will I Marry.'"